Last night was one of the worst nights I can remember. I mean, most nights are pretty bad, regarding my depression. Mental illness is kind of an asshole like that.
But this was beyond what I'm used to. Last night was excruciating. I don't think I've ever hated being alive that much. I don't know if I've ever hated everything and everyone in the world with as much absolution as yesterday. I've always struggled under a sense of purposelessness, but this was worse than the last four years of self-loathing combined.
Today was nowhere near as awful. Yesterday was a fucking emergency, and I'm not going so far as to say I'm "better". I don't want to worry anyone, but I also don't want to give anyone the wrong impression. I'm not okay, I'm not out of the woods. But I've got a better sense of where I am now than yesterday.
Being in a constant state of tremendous emotional pain is normal for me. I don't know if there's any way to get better, but I'm not giving up yet. I'm still here. I'll survive.
You should really get some help (yeah, yeah I know that's a stupid generic comment). If you were in tremendous amount of physical pain you would probably get some painkillers and see a doctor, likewise you should see someone about your emotional pain and see if you can get some relief.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's possible to cure your depression but I'm sure there is a way to get rid of or supress the constant emotional pain.